Sunday, October 30, 2005

You know when you wake up and things just don't feel 'right'? Well it was like that.

Before I even opened my eyes I realized that instead of laying down, I was in fact leaning against something. I opened my eyes. I saw the wooden floor, no surprise there, my room has a wooden floor. It was at about this thought that my brain finally turned over and started its motors.

I'm downstairs, I passed out... waiting for my burger to cook!! Shit. I sprang to my feet and started for the kitchen, I didn't smell any burning so someone must have turned it off, but still, I wanted to go see anyways. I laughed on my brief, awkward walk to the kitchen, I was fucking smashed last night.

I arrived to find my George Forman grill, unplugged, but yet with the english muffin I was defrosting still sitting on the top of the lid. For a second I wondered how they were able to turn off the grill, without taking the english muffin off of it. When I clued in that all someone would have to do to turn it off would be pull out the plug I began to ponder a new subject: Just how much did i have to drink last night? I grabbed the english muffin and opened the lid of the lean mean grilling machine to see what was left of the burger. It was not as burnt as I thought it was, someone must have walked into this situation fairly soon after I passed out on the couch. It looked so ominous sitting there, a vessel to endure the burns of my life's travels. I felt sorry for the poor collection of molecules.

I tossed the burger and the english muffin in the garbage and started up the stairs. I wondered who had found the grill on? If it was Sherry she likely would have left a note, in fact I think any of the girls would have left a note. It must have been Chad or Fred. I strolled into the upstairs bathroom and after turning on the water I looked at myself in the mirror. The reminants of my Halloween costume brought a grin to my face. I was dressed as a creepy old man; I had shaved the top of my head, to imatate a 'going bald' type look and indeed, it sorta looked creepy. I splashed some water on my face and wandered into my room. After shoving all the shit off of it, I utilized my special hungover powers and fell down onto my bed, and under the covers all in one motion.

I could not stop yawning. It was all I was doing, but yet I couldn't seem to get to sleep. My mind lazily danced around the floortiles in my mind. I lay like this, struggling to get to sleep for about eight minutes before my eyes suddenly flashed open and all thought of sleep vaporised. Susan. I had totally forgotten about my extremely drunken msn conversation with her last night. I closed my eyes again, "Fuck it" I thought, laying back down to get to sleep, but it was like that dancer had sprained an ankle, and was stuck on a particular floortile. What exactly had I said to her? After several more minutes of non-sleep I decided to get up to see what I had said, I needed a drink anyways.

Sitting down at my computer desk I opened my notebook and reached for one of the plethora of different cups of water and juice I have, sitting dangerously close to my beloved computer. After finded the log I opened it up to read,
: did you go to a party tonight? and is your hair
all crazy

: yeah... it is, you can see it if you play
your cards right
: i don't need to play my cards
: Susan..... you'te such a square
: i am the sober one at the comp scie, and you are
the drunk one who wants to hook up. i feel as though
there are cards for m to play. and yes.... i am being
a square
:*no cards

: I'm the drunk one who wants to hook up..
yeah, that sounds weird. Yoiu are an enigma... keep in
mind that i won't always be around for you to play with
: cya
: don't be angry
: and i don't see you as something to 'play with'

: right
: anyways.. I'll talk tto you tomorrow
: shut up!! i don't!
: oh..... you are angry now
: don't be passive aggressive
: I'm not angry.. but you seem to think you
can have yoru cake at eat it too. Do you honest;y think
I'll just sit srounf waiting for you? I mean.. it
doesn't matter if I'm willing to or not, you're being
: woah woah woah...... what are you even talking

: greedy? how?
: nothing that i have done is at all greedy
: and i don't think you are sitting around wating
for me by any means

: "oh I'll just phone up matt cause I feel
like making out' YOu must think you live in some
distorted paradise. You're hilarious.. and that's a good
thing.. but tired of it, have fun
: you have your own agenda. and i have mine.
: and you were just as positive about coming over
this week as i was

: lol
: if you were sober right now, and you asked me to
come over, i probably would. but its not the same
when you're loaded

: you can just as easily deny me as i do to you

: i don't know what to say. but i feel like you
are angry with me for acting the way i do, and i don't
see why. cuz i don't think that i ever do anything to
hurt you or use you.

: no susan.. you don'y use me, that's why you
shouldn't feel upset when I say goodbye. you've been
perfectly accountable up until now. But I mean. put
yourself in my place.. .wjhy wouldn't I move on? Use
your rationality
: move on from what?
: I wish you the best
: but why would I stick around
: stick around for what?
: exactly.
: cya
: stop saying good bye in an angry wayyy
ok, well we are talking about this later.
because clearly what happened this week exposed some
shit that i didn't know existed

I didn't know what to make of the log. I was actually sort of impressed I even managed to make sense all things considered. Maybe my drunk self is right, maybe I should just get a girlfriend. Sure I'm afraid of commitment, but I hate being alone sometimes. But I'm alone because I'm so particular... The cycle continued in my mind as I opened up my email. I had a couple new emails, but one in particular from my friend caught my attention as the header was a '' unhappy face thing. I clicked on the message.

Jontia was killed yesturday in a car crash, I'm really sorry

The cycle stopped.

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